Dearest Eesha – From Conception to Birth

This is an email I had written to my daughter soon after she was born back in 2018. I wish to share my experience of holding your vision of what you love no matter what the odds and connecting with your creative spirit via your intuition to guide you closer to what you love regardless of the external pressures & obstacles. Also to distinguish between your egoic voice (limiting beliefs) and creative spirit to avoid sabotaging yourself or compromising on your vision.

Dearest Eesha, You were a creation in my body, a little miracle and gift from GOD. Mummy had been trying for years to have a baby and my own insecurities about not being good enough, capable or worthy all unconsciously sabotaged my efforts. Me and your dad were also not in a good place and I just wanted to escape the pain and end the marriage with your dad. This caused me a lot of pain for years and in 2016 I went on a journey of self discovery to figure out what was my purpose and if having children was in my path. From this I discovered that I have an Egoic agenda and spiritual ‘genius’ agenda both playing side by side and how to distinguish between the two. You might notice you hear two voices in your self when you need to make choices and it is the quieter voice which is your true creative spirit speaking to you but gets drowned out by the louder Egoic voice. I learnt to tune in more into the voice of my creative spirit and started making choices in 2017 with the intention of having the best year ever and creating a baby. I set the intention and followed my intuition. I stopped with the fertility apps and just started tuning into my own body clock to notice signs of when I was fertile. I was able to figure out for myself that my body can produce eggs and pin point my own window of fertility purely by noticing and tuning into my feminine body. At the same time my creative spirit wanted me to focus on my relationship/marriage with your dad and to travel and trips to China/Thailand kept coming up. I went on holiday and had an adventure as well as time to relax. When I got back a month later I found out I was pregnant. Me and your dad were so excited and shocked as we realised it just took ‘us’ being less stressed and focused on wanting the same end result from a place of love that created you (and not giving power to my egoic voice that just wanted to run and escape!)

We went to the doctors who confirmed I’m pregnant and booked me in for my first scan to see you in my tummy. When we went to the scan appointment was so amazing to see you however the doctors also found I had a cyst on both my ovaries and medically it would have been difficult for me to get pregnant – they said it was a miracle I conceived so easily without any medical intervention. At the time I had mixed emotions of being happy to see you but also upset that i might not have an ordinary pregnancy. 

I was referred to a specialist and had several scans and hospital appointments. The most harrowing being at the oncology outpatient ward were I was the only pregnant women in the waiting room. This was a difficult time but I again tuned into my body and into you which helped me stay calm and knowing in myself I was okay. With all the scans the cyst on one of my ovaries disappeared and me and your daddy feel you listened to us when you were in my tummy to kick it out. I got the all clear that the one remaining cyst was not cancerous and can continue to have a normal delivery. 

I had a vision of wanting an intuitive birthing experience which took me down the road of hypno-birthing and yoga. This resulted in you arriving very quickly (I was only in the hospital for 2 hours as I was able to manage my contractions at home using the hypno-birthing techniques. It was only when I got to the hospital they said I was 9cm dilated and was to late for any drugs and just had too push you out which was tough). You peacefully entered into this world and cried just a little until the midwife put you in my arms at which point there was a moment where we both just stared at each other. You were a very alert baby with your big brown eyes looking at me and feeling at home on my chest.  

In that moment I felt endless love for you and you became my everything, my world and I promised to be the best mother I can be to raise you as a strong, kind, happy young lady who has the potential to achieve anything her heart desires. 

I would like to thank you for coming into my life and making me a mummy. Loving every moment in this rollercoaster ride of motherhood. (Well most days!)